loridhhp

I am currently sitting at my Dad's computer at my parents' house while on vacation in N.Y. I've been doing a lot of reflecting since I've been home. I live in California so I don't get home very often, maybe a vacation every few years, and I've been hit with stark reality on this trip. My mother has dementia. Her memory problems began at least five or more years ago and have worsened over the years. Every time I see her, she has deteriorated further. Not only does my mother have dementia, my uncle has alzheimer's as well. Observing my father and my aunt has been a real eye opener, and taught me what love really is.

Love is watching my aunt take care of my uncle, while keeping up their home, and caring for their baby grandson. My uncle is a stranger to us all now. He doesn't know me or my daughter. He barely remembers that my dad is his brother. He doesn't speak clearly and gets lost in conversations. He mostly sits quietly now or falls asleep. My aunt has to make sure my uncle takes his meds. She also constantly has to search for items that my uncle "finds" and misplaces. When she finds the missing objects (often in strange places) she says she has to laugh because otherwise it's too much to bear. She doesn't like to think about the future when she'll have to put my uncle into an alzheimer's care facility. She loves him too much to think about not being able to take care of him anymore. His personality, what made him unique, is fading away, and I know she misses him, but she loves him too much to let go. Yet through it all, my aunt has kept her sense of humor.

My father is my inspiration. He is seventy-three years old, has ephysema, is on oxygen, had an aortic bypass earlier this year, yet he is the one who takes care of my mother! He is 128 lbs and gets winded with the simplest activity, yet he cooks because Mom doesn't remember how. She doesn't remember how to do the things she used to do. Dad insures that Mom takes her meds because he sets them out for her and reminds her to take them. He drives her to get her hair done at the salon every Saturday because Mom can no longer drive. Mom, like my uncle, also gets lost in conversations and doesn't understand half of what you say to her. She gets confused. She blamed my daughter for stealing her makeup when she had misplaced it. She tried to apologize later but couldn't get the words out, so I said the words she fought so hard to remember and my daughter accepted them.

My mom couldn't remember the school I graduated from, even as we passed it while driving. She didn't recognize a photo of my daughter as a two year old. She doesn't remember a lot of things, even when you are talking about them. It frustrates my dad and he snaps at her when I repeat the same explanation for the sixth time. But he loves her with every fiber of his being. Tonight he gave up his seat in his recliner just so Mom could sit there because she wanted to watch TV in the den with him instead of in her recliner in the livingroom. He kissed her and told her he loved her. I think he was trying to reassure her somehow. I sat here in the same room, on the computer, and watched one of the simplest, and most poignant, expressions of love I'd ever seen from them. 

Love is never giving up, even when the one you love is fading away. Dad reminds me of Noah Calhoun in The Notebook. His love for Mom is as strong, despite his own failing health. On June 3rd, 2011, my parents will celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary. I hope they both live to see that momentous day. I hope that my mother will even remember it. If not, my dad will remember it for her. Their marriage has been full of ups and downs, good times and bad, and they have stayed strong through it all. My mother is sixty-eight years old and is losing herself to dementia. My father is not only losing his wife to dementia, but his only brother too. If he suffers, it is in silence. He too keeps his sense of humor, even as he shakes his head and sighs. Mom put blush under her eyes. I had to explain that blush goes on the cheeks not under the eyes like concealer. Mom had put on makeup every day for as long as I can remember. It is her routine. She's just forgetting how to do it now. So when I told Dad about the makeup incident, we had a chuckle. It's better than crying.

Love endures. It is patient and forgiving. Love accepts reality without judgment and tenderly fills in the missing words when our loved ones can no longer communicate them. Love understands. No words are needed. Only the strength to carry on, one day at a time. This experience has made me appreciate my parents more than I ever have, and deepened my undersatnding of what love is. Love is a gift to be shared, for the more we share, the more love we have, and the more love we have to give.

May your lives be filled with compassion and abundant love!

Even though I'm going to see its debut on the big screen in a theater in San Diego on Friday, I discovered that "The Answer Man" was actually playing on my cable company's video on demand, so I rented it for twenty four hours yesterday. I am currently watching it for the fifth time. Hee! Anyway, without being too spoilery for those who haven't seen the movie, I want to write about a few things that really touched me about the movie. Most of the info I'm going to share is already common knowledge, based on reviews of the movie. The rest is my take on it.

( minor spoilers ahead... )

Here's a quickie to keep us entertained. I'm going to tag three people on my friends list and ask them to take a few minutes to answer the questionaire that James Lipton ganked from Bernard Pivot, who ganked from Marcel Proust. Please post your answers in your LJ. Then you can tag three more people from your list and the ganking can go on indefinitely!

I tag: sheila_bryant , danke , and hannah_annise 

( Here are my answers for those who tagged me. )

I wanted to post this yesterday in honor of Mothers Day, but I was still researching the quotes! There are so many more pearls of wisdom that have spewed forth from one Lorelai Gilmore, but I will just touch on a few for now. Happy belated Mothers Day! I finally figured out how to do a cut, so here are some lessons I've learned from Lorelai Gilmore, the coolest of all TV Moms!

( Read more... )

Early this evening, I decided to be spontaneous and take a little road trip down to Coronado. I hadn't been there in almost a year and a half and since it's Mothers Day weekend I wanted to treat myself. I just received money to get tires for my car (which were desperately needed, as I was driving on a donut for five months) and felt the need to celebrate. So I grabbed my daughter and my fluffy old dog, and we loaded up in the car for a nice drive. It's about forty miles from my little town in the hills west of San Diego down to the beach community of Coronado. I couldn't wait to walk on the beach!

It was a beautiful day, sunny and warm, but once we got closer to the coast the "May gray" hit, and the cloud bank rapidly rolled in. So much for watching the sunset! Oh well, that wasn't going to prevent me from having fun. I found a nice parking spot close to the beach and we all piled out of the car for our walk. Mickey couldn't contain his joy at seeing all the people! He acted like a puppy and everyone wanted to pet him. Who could resist a cute little Maltipoo?

The Hotel Del Coronado is a historic hotel built in 1884. It's actually listed as one of the most haunted hotels in America too! I've never seen the ghost of Kate Morgan, but I have heard stories of her presence. The beach path is paved and lined with plants, flowers, and palm trees. The lawns are immaculate and the hotel, with its red roofs and white exteriors, is pristine. Oh how I'd love to sit on the balcony outside my hotel room in a lounge chair and watch the activity below! I dream of staying in the beautiful Hotel Del and partaking of the luxurious amenities. It's one of my favorite places to visit here in San Diego.

I found a bench to sat on while Ariel trotted off to the water's edge. The beach at Coronado is famous for its cleanliness and beauty. The sand stretches out in both directions along the shore making a soft surface to walk barefoot upon. I sat with Mickey and people watched, while Ariel looked for shells on the beach. When she returned, it was my turn to head down to the water. The roar of the waves crashing on the shore was intoxicating! I closed my eyes and felt the spray of the salty air as it hit my face. This was pure bliss! I felt connected to the universe and all things. It was such a moment of peace and pure joy. I didn't want it to end. Eventually, we had to head back home, but I had a wonderfully relaxing time on the beach at my favorite hotel with my daughter. It was the perfect early Mothers Day present. I wish I had photos of the Hotel Del Coronado to post here but I don't. Trust me...it's beautiful!

Thoughts are a powerful thing! They can make you or break you. Last night, my daughter's friend offered to buy us some food for picking her up at work. She works at Albertson's, a supermarket. I walked around the store as my daughter followed her friend, who was picking up some groceries for herself. I felt embarrassed and couldn't accept her generosity. I felt very down. I just couldn't walk around there and look at all that food anymore. It was depressing! I made a decision to let it go and not dwell on my feelings of lack in my life. Out came the gratitude list.

After having many strange dreams this morning, some of which were stressful and disturbing, I knew that my subconscious was telling me to let go of the emotional turmoil because I was giving up my energy to stressing over my lack in life. I knew that I needed to find other sources of food and I put my trust in God, knowing that my needs would be met. I humbled myself and opened up to new sources of abundance. I went to the local American Legion in my town and told them I was a veteran and what my situation was. A young girl in her twenties, with the most strikingly green eyes I'd ever seen, directed  me and my daughter to the back. She loaded up a large box full of fruits and vegetables. You see, Saturdays they give out food to those in need! I put my name on the list to get a weekly box of food from them.

The box must have weighed about forty pounds! I almost had a hernia lifting it up the stairs to my apartment from my car! When I finished putting everything away, I noticed that my fridge was packed full! There was lettuce, tomatoes, artichokes, three huge eggplant, two banana squash,  fresh asparagus,  a bunch of zucchini, several bagged salads and shredded carrots and cabbage. I also had three avocados, several papaya, mangos, a bag of overripe bananas, three bags of grapes, two whole pineapples, three diced melon salad cups, lots of apples, a large watermelon wedge, three kiwi fruits, a bag of limes, AND a bunch of packaged fresh herbs! I put the herbs in the freezer to use in cooking. Ask and it shall be given! My fridge runneth over! I've never seen it so packed full of fresh fruits and vegetables, which I haven't been able to afford to buy for so long!

The energy you put out, the thoughts you think, draws the same to you. I made a choice to think about having abundance in my life and it came. When I think about what I don't have, I block the abundance in my life. This is how God works. This is how the Source of all abundance creates everything good in life. Today, I give thanks for the nourishment my body has been craving. Today, I fully see how a positive attitude creates abundance. I choose to be grateful and live a life full of abundance...joy, money, food, friends, fulfilling work...I choose to bring these into my life! And so it is! Blessings to everyone.

It's been a while since I posted anything here. Life has been busy. I participated in my very first author auction for Support Stacie and I'm just finishing writing my story for the winner. It was so exciting to participate in such a worth while cause. I really love helping others. It gives me a sense of gratitude and a strength in myself to bear life's hardships.

Yesterday, I found out that I don't qualify to receive Food Stamps because I make too much! I find it ironic how my only source of income...my VA disability... is actually over the limits for a single person. My daughter receives Social Security Income (SSI) because of her disability and that money goes toward paying bills and the utilities. My VA money goes to rent. ALL of it! That leaves me with $60 a month or LESS with which to put gas in my car, do laundry and buy food and household necessities.  And I don't qualify for Food Stamps? Wow!

I'm still trying to find work, despite my disabilling conditions, and it's really hard, especially here in California. I have cut back on everything I can to barely get by. Yesterday, I walked around in a supermarket practically drooling over the sight of fresh fruits and vegetables and meat...chicken, fish, beef...none of which I could afford to buy. I never thought I'd take for granted healthy food until I could no longer afford to buy even the barest necessities. I craved it. I salivated over it like a dog over a bone. I felt upset that I couldn't buy anything. I had $15 to spend till the end of the month. I left the store and went to Walmart where I bought eggs, butter, two packages of cheap hot dogs, four boxes of the cheapest macaroni and cheese I could find, and a bag of frozen mixed veggies. This, along with the little I have in my pantry...rice, a few cans of beans, oatmeal...would have to last me till the first of the month, where I'd have to make $40 last till mid month. Gas is half the expense.

When I start feeling down about my situation, I go through my gratitude list. I have a roof over my head. I'm not homeless. I have a car (even though it desperately needs 4 tires, one of which is a donut I've been riding on for 5 months) and I have electricity to watch TV or use my computer. I have my daughter and my old dog to keep me company and love me. I have a comfy bed to sleep in. I have so much. I just have to be more resourceful in finding food and extra money to get by until I find work. So I'm trying to stay positive during hard times. I will never take food for granted again! And this too shall pass! Enough rambling...back to finishing my story.

Live passionately, love unconditionally, laugh often, and never lose hope...it's what keeps us strong...and faith is what makes us wise.

I went to Mc Donalds today. While that may not seem like a monumental feat, or very exciting for that matter, it does hold significance for me. I used to eat at fast food places all the time. I didn't think much about it and more often than not, I scarfed down the usual greasy comfort foods with nary a thought, or a taste for that matter. It's been a long time. After counting my change to the last penny, and making sure I saved my last twenty dollars to buy actual food for the next week and a half, I decided to treat myself to a couple of double cheese burgers and a hot fudge sundae from the dollar menu.

As I sat and unwrapped the delectable meaty goodness, I pondered my current situation. Times had been very hard this past year and money was more than scarce, it was that rare comodity used to obtain only the barest of absolute necessities in my life, and even those I had to categorize in importance of dire need to I-guess-I-can-wait-on-this-a-bit-longer. I'd lost almost twenty five pounds this past year from tightening my belt and going without. Still...that cheeseburger in my hand called out my name, like a siren leading me to pleasures and temptations that I could not afford.

With each juicy, cheesey bite, I savored the taste, chewing slowly, letting the flavors mingle. The salty, greasy flavor of the meat and cheese. The doughy bun. The tang of the ketchup and the sour bite of the pickles. I thought about how many times I'd eaten a burger and not tasted it, not enjoyed it. I felt a deep sense of gratitude for that rare treat that I was partaking in. I was thankful to just be in the moment, enjoying a beautiful day. Oh I could easily have bemoaned my current financial situation but I thought about how so many people can't even afford a cheeseburger. They are hungry all the time. I may not have much food in my pantry, but I can still find something to feed myself and my daughter.  I have a roof over my head, with my mismatched broken down furniture. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in, a computer to sit and type this on, TV to watch, music to listen to and electricity to power it all. I am very fortunate and savoring the burger made me realize just how blessed I am to have what I have. Sometimes it gets hard. I have to constantly tell my only child that I can't buy her what she wants, or take her places, and I have to ration the food to make it last. And there's nothing more humbling than counting out your pennies to purchase enough toilet paper to last till you get more money. But in spite of these things, I am very grateful for all that I DO have and it's that gratitude that keeps me strong.

So I enjoyed a rare fast food treat while being thankful of all that I have in my life. My cup does run over and while my current situation may be difficult, I know that this too shall pass. Of that I am assured.

Okay, I finally created a live journal account. This is all new to me but I figure...why not? I guess I should let my prospective friends know a bit about me. Here goes.....
name:   Lori
birthday:  July 27
righty or lefty?  lefty! But I am actually ambidexterous and can do things with both hands! I play guitar right handed.
hair:   brown
eyes:  Two. Lol! And they're hazel. And they smile like my Irish mother's! Hee!
kids?   I am the proud mom of an 18 year old daughter. She is the Rory to my Lorelai! Hee! She looks like me too, except for the two toned black and blond dyed hair! Yikes!
furries?  One old maltipoo named Mickey and a feathered finger biter named Psycho, I mean Tweety! Lol!
siblings?  3 brothers and 1 sister
parents?  Still alive and together after nearly 48 years. Amazing huh?
When stressed I...   bang my head repeatedly against a wall while sitting in a corner chewing on my hair. Lol! No, I listen to music or sing showtunes or read Gilmore Girls fan fics.
What about me surprises people?  When they hear me sing for the first time.
greatest fear?  rejection and trying new things.
greatest strength?  facing my fears and overcoming life's obstacles with love and a positive attitude.
talents?  I write short stories, fan fic (Gilmore Girls), and poetry.  I draw portraits and paint landscapes. I love to sing and play guitar. (I was in the Folk Group at my church for 5 years as well as did 3 plays...Oliver, Guys And Dolls, and The King And I, where I played Tuptim!
One thing I used to do and miss doing... massage! I was a licensed Holistic Health Practitioner (HHP Get it? Loridhhp?) until health issues sidelined my career. I hope to one day go back to it.
my motto... live passionately, love unconditionally, laugh often, and be healthy!

Okay. That's enough for now. I have to keep SOME air of mystery! Lol! I actually recieved a whack upside the head from my muse while trying to sleep last night and I'm going to write my little Gilmore Girls oneshot before I lose the inspiration! I will have something to post soon! Thanks for reading this! One of my goals this year is to connect with more people and make new friends before my Unibomber tendencies take hold and I become more of a hermit than Luke Danes! And now I'm off to write!